" Men and women " ( jokes , humor , fun , funny aphorisms )

* * * - Hello, dear, how awful!I ripped tights!
- Sit still, do not do anything.I'll call MOE.

* * *

- Hello, my foxy!
- Do you want to say that I'm an animal?!?
- No, of course!You - a mushroom!

* * *

- Nicholas that his wife say, why I drink?
- I'll come and say good night, then two hours quietly stop up your ears and will according to the nod.

* * *

- Yesterday I was at a party I met a girl and we kind of just went on "you".
- What, right away?
- Yes.She once told me: "Fuck you ..!"

* * *

It: Keep a word from the list: water, juice, vodka, bun.She
: Mmm ... water ... He
: Why?
She: Something you have to soobrazhalku water tight ... without the calories!Yet these are stupid questions?

* * *

guy - girl:
- I'm drowning in your eyes!
- They'll brown ...
- So what ?!
- Do you realize what you drown ?!

* * *

The firehouse phone rings:
- Help, my window trying to get into a man.
- you should call the police.
- What does the police ?!He needs a fire escape.

* * *

- Lucy, but I generally did not know about any of our relationship with you as long as you did not tell me that they ran out ...

* * *

- Nadia,my hedgehog, you understood my words?
- Yes-ah!
- Well, you see, even a no brainer.

* * *

- Well, like, married?
- No!
- Why?
- Yes, I'm convinced idealist.Several times was going to marry for love, and each time it turned out that my chosen one penny to his name!

* * *

go home and think it over for dinner tonight, "tired" or "did not have time"?

* * *

- Look at you!How many years do you live at my expense, in my apartment, I have not received from you a penny, you feed, dress, do all the washing, not to mention the fact that you sleep!
- And you call me a loser !?

* * *

- Like a date?I sleep?
- No, but not because of what you're thinking ... Now I think - to get married now or wait ...
- Wow ... You met a few days ago !!!
- Yeah, shorter.They came to me.We started kissing and hugging all that ... And then she said to me - like, and what is on the computer screen flashing?Well, I run up and look - a virus!I'm trying to change the whole to revive a computer, and he, well, no way!Even the second connected, to get out to internet ... In general, I remembered about it only two hours later, when she told me tea and sandwiches brought ...
- Marry !!!Today, and even can intercept!

* * *

- Look, you have a wife so prettier!
- Where did you get?
- saw yesterday it with you in the car.
- Not-ee!It's me your bulldog to the vet drove ...

* * *

Man-light!During his life, must do 3 things: plant a cactus, put together a birdhouse and grow hamster.

* * *

When I was 15, a gypsy foretold me that I will be spending a lot of money on women.Now I'm 30, and I have a wife and three daughters.

* * *

- How can you think that after you I could fall in love with another woman?Now I hate them all!

* * *

After yesterday's friend - a friend:
- In vain I argued yesterday with his wife's desire.
- You have a wife ?!
- Now there

* * *

Girl - math:
- How do you treat me?
- Well, in a ratio of approximately seven to five.

* * *

The host asks a guest at a party:
- You've already met my delightful wife?
- How delightful?Do you have that, two of them ?!

* * *

We're not right for each other.I'm Aquarius, and you're an idiot!

* * *

six in the morning.The non-stop flower shop comes to intelligent-looking man with obvious signs of rapidly spent night.
- girl, pick up a bouquet for my wife.Prettier.
Then, thinking, adds:
- And softer.

* * *

- Your wife can stop the horse at full gallop?
- When she was without makeup - they themselves stand on end ...

* * *

"I forgive you" - scrawled girl nail on the hood of his car.

* * *

wife prishet SMS-ku husband:
"Eggs 3 d."
husband responds:
"I go to the store or to the cinema?"

* * *

- Are you offended?
- No.
- Strong?
- Yes.

* * *

- Hello, hello, where are you?
- Hi, I'm home.And you?
- I'm with you on the bus next to the food.

* * *

- Honey, I accidentally broke your favorite vase!
- Of course, to keep the hooves are not convenient, kid?

* * *

She:
- A man should be a little nicer monkeys!He
:
- A man should be a little nicer monkeys, which live !!!