Laugh with us!

* * *

two neighbors sit on the bench and talk.The first asks:
- What would you do if tomorrow was the end of the world?
-'d eat anything that moves!What about you?
- to try not to move.

* * *

- All day long I have something to say to my husband.And he answered not a word.Doctor, can he serious mental illness?
- This is not a disease, it is - a talent!

* * *

- You know, my dog ​​quite grown lazy!
- What are you talking about?What's that?
- Well, of course.Previously, to walk, she brought the leash, and now - the car keys!

* * *

at a gas station:
- I must warn you: gasoline went up today.
- Good.Pour me some fifty liters of yesterday!

* * *

- Ivan, after a half-liter will be able to work?
- able.
- After a liter?
- able.
- After two?
- can not work, but I will lead!

* * *

loving couple went to a restaurant for dinner.They literally devour each other's eyes:
- You're so sweet, I could eat you whole ...
- Me too ...
Approached waiter cleared his throat and said:
- A drink anything you?

* * *

Scientists conducted experiments with alcohol.It turned out that vodka with ice harm the kidneys, rum ice harms liver, gin ice harms the heart, whiskey with ice harms the brain.Who would have thought that the ice is so incredibly bad!

* * *

- Mom, why do so few burns the hair on your head?
- He's smart!
- And why do you have so many?
- shut your mouth and eat!

* * *

- Tim, immediately stop torturing a cat and loans violin!
- I do violin.
- then immediately stop torturing fiddle and go eat!

* * *

husband awake - his wife:
- Honey, Please turn off TV!
- I can not, my dear, we are in a movie theater.

* * *

wife during an argument with her husband says:
- Well, I'm wrong, but you can at least ask me for forgiveness?

* * *

- reason for divorce with your husband?
- We did not coincide religious views ...
- ???
- I did not recognize that he is God!

* * *

- Dear, - says the wife to her husband - at our neighbor the same coat like mine.
- You want me to buy you another?- Asks the husband.
- I assure you, it will cost us less than to move to a new apartment.

* * *

caught lover husband and wife beating ... in despair:
- What are you doing, this is the father of your children ...

* * *

- Put the kids to bed in the afternoon- he asks the woman had just hired a nanny for his children.

evening comes home from work and asked how the children behaved.
- Excellent - meets the nurse - they slept so well, once your eldest, redhead, so naughty, constantly resisted!
- Auburn?So it's my husband!