Just jokes ( funny sayings , humor , fun )

* * * tourist asked a local resident:
- You will not help me?How quickly to get to the mountain?
- Well ... like, I untie the dog?

* * *

Writing in the school diary Darya Series: "In biology produced a report.I read the third week.I hope that the killer is not a zebra. "

* * *

Announcement: "Oleg Gazmanov sells apartment of 62 meters, 3 and 5 tumbling somersault from the metro."

* * *

- My wife and I have seen yesterday that virtually all office equipment can be assembled with your hands!
- How's that?
- With the help of a broom and dustpan ...

* * *

Opinion poll: "What is your attitude to the problem of the Kuril Islands?»
1. Give the Japanese, let choke - 1%.
2. Do not give the Japanese for what - 24%.
3. Kuriles, and the smoke will smoke - 75%.

* * *

Comes the new Russian son to his father and said:
- Dad, you promised to give me eleven dollars if I get a "five" in mathematics.So, the teacher put me last, "three", and now -. "Two""Five" - ​​Total.Let's promised bucks!
- Good - is responsible father and gets the money - here's one dollar, and here is another.Total - eleven!

* * *

entrants on the entrance exam ask:
- You are familiar with Pushkin?
- No.
- Nekrasov, Chekhov?
- either.
- Free.
Near University companions asked him:
- Well, as adopted?
- No, here only through connections.And I have no one to sign.

* * *

doctor comes into the room and begins to examine the patients - all head trauma.The doctor asked the first victim:
- What are you so?
- rolling pin.
- And you?- Asks the second.
- Too rolling pin.
- And you?- Asks a third.
- And me rolling pin.
- It's - an epidemic of this, or what?
- No, doctor ... You won that guy you see in a coma?Well, then, he ran away from his wife and tried to get lost in the crowd.

* * *

- How do you feel about his wife?
- As to any authority: a little afraid, a little love, a little bit like the other.

* * *

waiter of the restaurant refers to the client:
- you some soup?Green, beet or at home?
- at home.
waiter brings a plate of soup and puts on the table, shouting:
- Where have you been all night ?!All my life I fuck up!Eat already!

* * *

- The husband said that spent the night with a friend.I called ten best friends.At six he slept, and at four - still asleep!

* * *

How can we take the blonde for a few hours?Write on a piece of paper on both sides, "Turn".

* * *

- Why remove the belt-grandmother?- Asks Ivan.
- And because the metal buckle - meets Baba Yaga, opening the door of the microwave.

* * *

- I do not understand why you're unhappy with your husband?After all, it gives you all the money to the last penny.
- What's the truth.However, then he wins all the money in my card.

* * *

bald guy comes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist:
- Do you have a means for hair restoration?
- Take this bottle - the most effective means!
- Are you sure?
- Absolutely.Do you see the man with the mustache at the cash register?This is my wife.Mustache her up after she tried to open the bottle of teeth.

* * *

Natasha prom brought a great evening gown.
- Mom, what is this stuff?
- This pure silk, daughter.
- And this beauty gives some nondescript gray worm!
- Well, unless you can about your father ?!

* * *

Young Wife says husband hungry:
- You know, I only know how to cook a cake and fish.
- Do not worry, you will learn with time.I can only say that it is on the plate: a cake or fish?