New smeshinki

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- How I spent the New Year?
- I do not know, have not yet been told ...

* * *

Policeman stops the car speeding.
- Where are you in such a hurry?- He asks the driver.
- Home.We celebrated the New Year with friends, I'm a little late.My wife is worried.
- But May is now in the court.
- and therefore in a hurry.

* * *

December 31, evening suits son to his mother and says:
- Come on, where is half of 12, cry out: New Year!New Year!
- Why?
- And let our neighbors think that to us before the New Year arrived.

* * *

31 December.Calls the child:
- Ale, an ambulance?Come soon.Our dad crazy.He put on a red coat, boots and tells everyone that he is Santa Claus.

* * *

- Well, you and Katya decided about the New Year?
- we decided - let come.

* * *

- Santa Claus, I beg you, give me a constructor (Lego), - the child cries.
- Do not shout so Santa Claus will hear even a whisper - soothes his mother.
- Yes, but my father was closed in his room, and could not hear.

* * *

Over the New Year's table.
- Why did you close your eyes every time you drink?
- Yes, I promised my wife that in the new year will no longer look in the glass ...

* * *

Morning on January 1st.On the table, a note: Happy New Year!P. S. refrigerated brine.P. P. S. refrigerator in the kitchen.

* * *

Comes Santa Claus to a psychiatrist and says:
- Doctor, help!I do not believe in themselves.

* * *

The telephone survey, conducted in the morning after 31 December, gave the following results: 2% of the respondents answered "yes?"
3% - "Hello?"
the remaining 95% were undecided.

* * *

What an amazing country: New Year begin to meet somewhere in the Far East, and end up somewhere under the table ...

* * *

two actors work part time for the New Yeargrandfathers frosts.One asks the other:
- Listen, come to my family, to congratulate them on the holiday.
- And why you did not you?
- Yes, I am taking too expensive.

* * *

The family had two children - one pessimistic and the other optimistic.Approaching New Year.Decided to their parents, "equalize", well, not to such extremes were, and prepared gifts: horse pessimist and optimist bunch of horse manure.Children wake up in the morning ...

Pessimist:
- Hyyy, loshadkaaa ... Little, and I wanted a big brown ... and I wanted a gray dapple Depevyannaaayayayaya ... and I wanted ...
zhivyyyyuyuyuyu optimist:
- A y me LIVE!Just get away!

* * *

sat up guests at the New Year, the owner really does not know what to do.Telephone call.It is suitable and then the idea ... Returns and yells:
- Fire, fire!All:
- Who's the fire?
- I did not hear ... one of you.

* * *

MarVanna crucified before the fifth "B":
- What is the time ", he cleans, removes it, you remove you ..."?
Vovochka thoughtfully:
- must be - New Year's Eve.

* * *

House Call Santa Claus!Call our phone, and you will immediately shut off heat!

* * *

- If I have to stay on a business trip - the husband says to his wife, - and do not come back for the New Year, I'll send you a telegram.
- Can not send!I had already read, it is in the pocket of your coat !!!

* * *

- And let will invite those without whom not do any the New Year?
- Let's ...
- Police!Police!

* * *

husband and wife say to friends:
- Join us for the New Year.
- We can not.
- It's so kind of you.

* * *

Announcement on Christmas tree market: buyer - remember who is at home artificial tree, come to the fake Santa Claus with presents false!

* * *

A man wakes up in the morning with a terrible hangover.He asks his wife:
- The new year has passed?
- passed.
- And what's the date today?
- second of January.
- And the first was?

* * *

- I'm the New Year is celebrated in Hawaii, around tanned girl, sea, beaches ...
- I'm in India, riding on an elephant, heat, fruit, friendly Indian woman ...
-I also pointed out the New year with you at home in the kitchen, but did not smoke!

* * *

Every year on December 31 my friends and I go to the bath.And not because we have such a tradition, but because every time, asking permission to bring his wife to the feast of friends, each of us hears in response to the traditional: - "You can all go to the baths!"

* * *

January 1st.Evening.the phone rings in the apartment.The owner, who recently went to sleep after a stormy New Year celebrations, picks up the phone and yells at her: - "What kind of moron calls to sixteen hours in the morning !!!?ยป

* * *

Three stages of growing up male:
1.He believes in Santa Claus.
2. He does not believe in Santa Claus.
3. He himself - Santa Claus.

* * *

morning, January 1st.Walk in the city hospital.The doctor enters the room, looking at the list:
- Ivanov here?
- Ya
- What's the name?

* * *

- Young man!- Outraged father.- You promised me to bring my daughter home for the New Year, that is, to twelve o'clock in the morning!It is now four o'clock, and in general, this is not my daughter!

* * *

your sonny already out of the age of hikes on the Christmas tree if:
- he suspected that Santa Claus is drunk as always
- it began to excite Maiden
- it counts, if present production cost will cover the cost of invitation
- except for gifts from Santa Claus, he is waiting for something else from Maiden
- he refuses to go, arguing that the boss does not let go.

* * *

- How old are you?
- I do not know.
- How many times have you watched the movie "The Irony of Fate, or Enjoy Your Bath"?
- Well, times 20.
- So, you're 20 years old.

* * *

One hung over each other complains: - "I do not advocate drinking in New Year's Eve ... I'm a victim of Ick ...!"

* * *

At the bus stop are three.One - in shoes, lightweight coat and a hat, and the other - in boots, a winter coat, and the third - in a sheepskin coat, boots on his feet.The one in slippers, waving his arms and stamped his feet:
- So cold!40 degrees, right ...
- Forty Forty is not, - says one in boots - but 25 will.
peasant in a sheepskin coat:
- Let it be no more than 10 degrees!

* * *

Restaurant.New Year.Half an hour after midnight.
- waiter for a steak that you gave me!I have half an hour I can not cut it!
- You can not hurry, sir, today we close at seven in the morning.

* * *

The airplane passenger looking out the window and beckons to her dismay stewardess:
- Are we off course?
- No, where did you get this?
- But at us snow, taiga, and must be Hawaii.
- Yes, no, everything is fine, it's just a new Russian New Year is celebrated ...

* * *

- Well as the New Year meet?
- Yes, as a gift ...
- How's that?
- All night under the tree lain ...

* * *

Decided students celebrate the New Year in an abandoned castle with ghosts.One girl refused:
- I mother does not allow to celebrate the New Year with ghosts.
- Why?
- They have to work one woman met the New Year with a ghost, so now is not the kindergarten child to arrange!

* * *

Two homeless after the New Year's holiday exchange impressions:
- New Year's perfectly met!I came out of the basement, look for landing a bottle of vodka - 100 grams of unfinished, I looked into the tank - a sandwich with caviar, once bitten.He drank, ate, walked down the street.And how are you?
- bad, spent the entire holiday home: some bastard put the roller on the door.

* * *

adult does not believe in Santa Claus, he votes in elections.

* * *

New Year Celebration - This dinner ends with breakfast ...

* * *

January 1st ... - Santa Claus, thank you for the gift you brought me.
- Trifle not mention it.
- I think so too, but my mom told me to say so.

* * *

- Sorry, you're the director-producer?
- Yes, I am, and what?
- Do not you think that this New Year's performance is very similar to last year's?
- What do you mean, last year the tree spun in the opposite direction!

* * *

- Girls and Father Christmas turns out to be greedy!
- How do you know?
- And he, instead of me his gift to bring, found the doll that my mother hid in the closet, and put under the Christmas tree.

* * *

Here's a gift for the New Year - he says the father handing his son a guitar.
- Thank you!- Thanks son.- Wait, why did it without strings?
- not all at once, son.Here you will learn to play, and then buy the strings.

* * *

- Dad, guess what train is late more than anyone else?
- What, my son?
- One that you promised to give me another last New Year.

* * *

New Year.Children gathered at the festival, lead dances around the Christmas tree.Here comes Santa Claus and the Snow Maiden:
- Hello kids, hello!What we are missing out on a Christmas tree, children?Ogonkov!Let's ask the tree light up: one-two-three - Herringbone, burn!

Off.
- Children try again: one, two, three - Herringbone, burn!

Off.Then one of the children took out his cell from his pocket and dials a number and says:
- Hey, Dad, come Tale, let him sort out, and the tree does not burn.

* * *

first of January.Parents get a phone call:
- Son, as the New Year meet?
Son - with a hangover:
- I did not meet him!He came.

* * *

31 December.Calls the child:

- Ale, an ambulance?Come soon.Our dad crazy.He put on a red coat, boots and tells everyone that he is Santa Claus.