Jokes about doctors

***

Very thick patient asks Professor:
- Tell me, doctor, what exercises are beneficial for weight loss?
- I recommend that you turn your head from right to left and left to right, - he said.
- How often?
- Whenever you treat!

***

Sarah comes home from the doctor.
- Heim, you know what I think 20 years from now?that is the orgasm, so it's - asthma.

***

Doctor, I have a beard does not grow.
- No wonder.After all, you - a woman.
- What?I am also a woman !?

***

Doctor:
- two news - good and bad.
Patient:
- What's good?
Doctor:
- you only live two days.
Patient:
- What kind of bad news then ?!
Doctor:
- I should have told you this yesterday ...

***

psychiatrist - patient:
- So, every night you dream about some nightmarish creature that rushes at you, screaming andhits you over the head with a rolling pin?Of course, this vision disappear after waking up?
- The fact of the matter is that no doctor!In the morning it usually shouts:
- enough sleep, slacker, take the children to

the kindergarten!

***

Village doctor is driving at a high speed.His wife tells him:
- Slow down, and the police will stop.
- Do not stop, I told him the whole day lying in bed at home

***

There are two other ... One says:
- You know, I was cured of multiple sclerosis!Doctor - class !!!One session, and the illness vanished.
second wonders:
- True ???It can not be ... What name of the physician?
first, thinking:
- Hmmm ... Name ... ... Eeeee flower spikes with a handsome ...
Second:
- Rose ?!
first:
- Oh, right - a rose!(To his wife) Rose is the name of the doctor who cured me of sclerosis?

***

starts operation in a rural hospital.Anesthesiologist suited to the surgeon and asks:
- What to give anesthesia - deep or soft?
surgeon says:
- Soft.
anesthetist puts a log, sits on a chair at the patient's head and begins to sing: "Hush-a-bye ..."

***

There once two.They say to each other:
- A Vaska - that recently got to the hospital!
- Strange.I recently saw him with a charming blonde.
- Here - here.His wife saw it too.

***

Once there was a grandmother in the village, a doctor in his life did not go on not complain health.Persuaded her relatives to the 80 th year of life to go into town to be surveyed.Well, I passed all the tests, they all looked ... she was sitting in the therapist, the Leafs card and said that, they say, all grannies, famously, as many more will live, only glance too, just in case your gynecologist, somethingthere is doubt there ...
gynecologist, a young man, visited his grandmother, everyone says, okay, is not confirmed anything.She got dressed, I tied a handkerchief, but in the doorway so turned around and asked:
- son, mother, then at least know you, what are you doing here ???

***

Nowadays, many go for a vacation to an exotic country, where brought different souvenirs, which then go to the doctors suvenerologam.

***

old man comes to the office to one well-known doctor with rich experience.
- You know, doctor, all my life I was very fond of women.Blondes loved brunettes, in general, very different ...
- Yes, yes, I understand you.But I have a sexually transmitted disease do not ...
- No, you do not understand me.I loved them in different ways.But I liked most of all love them in cars.Especially in various luxury and sports.Almost all the cars tried.I did it in the "Alfa Romeo", in "Porsche" in the "Jaguar" in "Pontiac," ... there are postures ...
- Ah, now I understand.Now you because of this sciatica, arthritis ...
- Nothing of the sort.
- So what are you here?
- "Ferrari" on a day not lend?

***

relative came to the head physician psychiatric hospital.At the hospital to it fit young man and says:
- Get in a taxi'll drive.
The visitor looks around and does not see any taxi, but he knows that the patients can not be annoying, and pretends that he is part of the machine.The driver includes a speed and "go."Upon arrival, the passenger asks:
- What with me?
- Five.
- After paying, the visitor goes to the head physician's office and tells the story of his adventure.
- Damn!- Exclaims head physician.- This is again some students climbed over the fence to us!

***

On the wall hangs a poster typical: "I treat all diseases Dr. Doe.."
pass by all so stooped little man, and groaning, so slyly, he says:
- Fly, fly.From all not fly!

***

typist comes to the doctor.Doctor:
- Say "and".
- small or large?

***

husband complains to the doctor's wife childlessness.The doctor advises:
- Send it to rest in Sochi.
- Doctor, we rested there last summer for a month, and the children as there was no and no!
- Of course, once she was there with you ...

***

A man comes to the dentist's office.
- Doctor, let's all done quickly without any anesthesia, there shmakozov.Pull out a tooth and all!
- If all patients were as calm as you!Well, let's start ...
A man, looking out the office:
- Honey, come and show your doctor tooth.