Jokes about everything

* * *

man comes to the doctor-dietician.He asks:

- Sweet respect?

- No!

- Flour eat?

- No!

- Well, anything you like?

- Eggplant.

- So, you can not be!

* * *

- I've heard that Nicholas married.Do you know, for love or for profit?

- Well, he took his wife for the sake of gain, and money - for love.

* * *

- How much is this coat for my wife?

- It will cost you 30 000 euro.

- Wait, like something is wrong ... Let us all once again!

- It will cost ....

- Oh, right!It will cost!

* * *

- Remember where you met his wife?

- How to remember - a lantern ...

- And that - the lamp was not working?

* * *

- What's your name?

- Vladimir Sergeyevich, or.

- you do not know or do not remember?

- No, I do something just remember ... The mother is not sure!

* * *

wife wakes her husband:

- What's the matter?Why are you shouting?

- I dreamed that Marussia is sinking!

- What kind of Maroussia?

- Yes, you do not know her, I met her in a dream ...

* * *

Pigs - a glamorous animals.They rose, and around them so much dirt that the tabloids and never dreamed of.

* * *

Programmer at the doctor:

- Doctor, I am sick.I can not tear myself away from the computer.At 18 hours a day I spend in front of the monitor!

- hopeless case does not happen, we will treat it.

- What?

- It is clear what - alcohol, cigarettes, the women!

* * *

Two blondes met.

- They say you went to the theater with her lover?Well, what was there?

- Tragicomedy.

- Interesting.Tell me.

- We are faced with my husband.He was also a lover.

* * *

little trick.

If winter afternoon regular transfer hours of daylight, then you can go to work an hour earlier.

* * *

- Honey, I'm shocked!You are now chatting with a girlfriend in just 20 minutes ...

- Yes, wait for you, I dialed the wrong number!

* * *

doctor comes to the patient's bedside and examines him.After inspecting the patient asks:

- Doctor, I want to hear the truth from you, no matter how bitter it may be, tell right: soon to work for me?

* * *

doorbell.On the eve of people standing in chemical protection suits with flamethrowers and ask:

- It tests you passed yesterday?

* * *

- Doctor, I'm afraid all the time.For example, when I get out of the room, my baby fall out of the crib, and I will not answer.

- So remove the floor carpet.

* * *

- Why are you so gloomy?

- Why, I just saw on the subway a cool chick!I winked at her ...

- And she ?!

- And she gave me a place ..

* * *

-! Men - the mouse.Separately look - cute, small animal moving, and in the house zavedet - just want to poison.

* * *

- Professor, believe me, I am ready to do everything in order to pass this exam?I mean everything!

Professor clarifies:

- really all?

She leans shows breasts cleavage, the professor looks into his eyes and exhales wearily:

- EVERYTHING!

Professor asked in a whisper:

- Really and will learn?

* * *

Odessa.The man in the market is eyeing the budgies.- And will these parrots Twitter?And talk about?- Young man, are you married?- Oh sure!- And you do not?

* * *

- Lord, make, please, fool me!

- Why would you?You and so like men.

- I want to and I liked them.

* * *

main indicator of the difference between the inner worlds of men and women is their attitude to gender issues - where the woman washes the floor, she believes that the floor will be cleaner, and when a man washes the floor, he believes that sex when-a finish.

* * *

- Daddy, why candy wrapper rustling?

- To all the house heard the mother lose weight.

* * *

- How could I ruin my wife's birthday, if I do not even remember when he ??