Jokes about everything

* * *

- What do you live?

- I write.

- you became a journalist?

- No.I am writing to his father that he has sent me the money.

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- Little Johnny, you call, please, five things, which include milk.

- butter, cheese, ice cream and ... two cows!

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- Will you come to my wedding?

- When?

- Friday.

- on whom you marry?

- On you.

- Then come

* * *

tell Newlyweds:

- Wedding night was - wow!The whole apartment shaking went!

- Who was the first to say: "Enough is enough, I can not anymore!"?

- Neighbor ...

* * *

The more money, the more problems.But this does not mean that if you have a lot of problems, then you - a lot of money.

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- Honey ... We have 8 years, together ...

- Yes, dear?

- You know, I think it's time to clarify ... I've been thinking about it, and today, finally, the day came when I want to ask you this question.

- I'm listening, my joy!

- What's your name?

* * *

- The heart beats irregularly you.You are drinking?

- Pugh, doctor, but regularly.

* * *

Are the two friends, talk, have a great dog.On the street in the cold 30 degrees.This, with the dog, asks another:

- Freezing?

- Yeah ...

- Want to keep warm?

- I want ...

- Bite!

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- Doctor, I come to you with the liver!

- Put is in the refrigerator.

* * *

lawyer for one of the drivers had an accident, asked the witness:

- Which of the two drivers, in your opinion, to blame for the collision?

- Yes nobody.The car crashed into each other almost simultaneously.

* * *


- Little Johnny, where's your blog?

- I Pavlik his day gave.

- Why?

- Parents scare.

* * *

Teacher of Physical Education:

- I told you to get up at the end of the building?


- I tried, but already there is someone standing!

* * *

- And what is this new Slavik in your contacts on your phone?

I called back, and then a woman's voice!And how to understand this ?!

- It's very simple!There is the same fool grabbed the phone to listen to that for a new Sergei Slavik at the phone.

* * *


- Princes there, we hear only the horses.


- The fact that the princes go to the princesses and horses - the horses ...

* * *

New Russian caught a goldfish.

She tells him:

- Let me fulfill every wish.

- Fish here is my apartment in Moscow, a villa in the Canary Islands.

Build for me freeway, so I can quickly out of the apartment to get to the villa.

- Well, you give!Well it's very hard.Just imagine how much you need concrete, asphalt.Better to Make a different desire.

- Okay.Here I had four wives.Just like cheese rolled in butter, but it was always dissatisfied with something, why - I do not know.Teach me to understand women.

- You highway four or six-lane?

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Today ran for the bus, tripped and fell into a puddle.Runs alongside the man asked: "Do you think to swim faster?"

* * *

Three-aged men:

- He hopes that his wish will come true Santa Claus.

- He hopes that his desire to fulfill the Snow Maiden.

- He hopes that his wish will come true Santa Claus, if it comes Maiden.

* * *

My boyfriend when drunk, always starts harassing me.I deny it, because we are convinced that the wedding can not make love in a drunken state.But the problem is that in my sober guy says he's not my boyfriend, and did not even greet.It's a dead end!

* * *

- Dad, what is better: to be honest, and tell the truth?

- It all depends on the circumstances.When you speak honestly, you care about your honor.When you tell the truth you uphold his innocence.And when none of this is not required, it is better just to deceive nobody.

* * *

Two men are found:

- drink be?

- And why not!

- Well, no, no ...

* * *

- Why is the woman loves the ears and the eyes of man?

- because women are nothing to look at, and listen to a man nothing.

* * *

wife went on a business trip.Husband wakes the child and leads to the garden.They came in one, but they say: "It's not our child!"They came to the other - the same story.Sit on the bus ride.The child and says:

- Dad, another garden, and I'll be late for school ...