Jokes for every taste

* * *

man comes to the doctor-dietician.He asks:

- Sweet respect?

- No!

- Flour eat?

- No!

- Well, anything you like?

- Eggplant.

- So, you can not be!

* * *

husband to his wife.

- Honey, do you love me?

- What next!Old idiot!The hell you gave me!Yes, drat, pervert!Do I love him ?!Yes, I cursed the day when we're married!To you, jerk, reptile, creature, demons have taken away!What do you want from me, you bastard ?!

- It's nothing, okay.Just tomorrow, February 14, Valentine's Day, I really wanted to ...

- Ahh ... Okay, honey, what could be there, we love women, not yet a hex in a fit of love!

* * *

- How much is this coat for my wife?

- It will cost you 30 000 euro.

- Wait, like something is wrong ... Let us all once again!

- It will cost ....

- Oh, right!It will cost!

* * *

- Remember where you met his wife?

- How to remember - a lantern ...

- And that - the lamp was not working?

* * *

wife wakes her husband:

- What's the matter?Why are you shouting?

- I dreamed that Marussia is sinking!

- What kind of Maroussia?

- Yes, you do not know her, I met her in a dream ...

* * *

Programmer at the doctor:

- Doctor, I am sick.I can not tear myself away from the computer.At 18 hours a day I spend in front of the monitor!

- hopeless case does not happen, we will treat it.

- What?

- It is clear what - alcohol, cigarettes, the women!

* * *

phone rings, the servant goes off-hook

- Tom!

- Yes, sir.

- It is I, your master, you know me?

- Yes, sir.

- Tom, where's my wife?

- about sir, it only just went with you in the bedroom !!!

- Tom, I'm calling you?

- Yes, sir.

- So she went into the bedroom is not with me.Tom, do you know where my

big guns?

- Yes, sir.

- Take and kill them both.

There have three shots ....

- Tom, why was 3 shots?

- The first shot I killed her, I have a second shot wounded him, he jumped in

garden and the third shot I struck him.

- Tom, but we do not have a garden !!!!

- Sir!and where you call ??

* * *

- Honey, I'm shocked!You are now chatting with a girlfriend in just 20 minutes ...

- Yes, wait for you, I dialed the wrong number!

* * *

Odessa.The man in the market is eyeing the budgies.

- And will these parrots Twitter?And talk about?

- Young man, are you married?

- Yes, of course!

- And you do not?

* * *

- Lord, make, please, fool me!

- Why would you?You and so like men.

- I want to and I liked them.

* * *

- Honey, what did you just do not say that you're such a bitch ?!

- Syurpriiiiz !!! ..

* * *

pessimist sees only an endless tunnel.The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.A realist sees the tunnel, the light and the train forward.Only the train driver sees three idiots sitting on the rails!

* * *

robber broke into a bank:

- Whoa!This is a robbery.

Voice from the queue:

- «Stand" - a verb, you moron!

* * *

Lesson, "Fundamentals of Orthodox Culture".Teacher:

- And remember, kids!Those who learn to "4" and "5" will go to paradise.

And those who will learn to "2" and "3" - to hell!

Vovochka:

- Marivanna, and that can not be alive to finish school?